Does the Mountain-Pusher Get Tired?

Let me be honest, I am completely and utterly tired of people. I'm tired of putting in and not getting out, but that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I'm too nice to give up on people. I'm too nice to sit and point out all that I've done for someone. Why do something for someone and then throw what you did in their face when you're not getting your way? What exactly would I gain from that? Nothing probably.

I cannot, CAN NOT fathom how God does it. How He's so forgiving, so willing to do for you no matter what. I know God sits and looks at me like

every time I sin and ask for forgiveness. He has to get annoyed. I get annoyed with myself. I'm so undeserving of his forgiveness and yet he gives it to me time after time. So when people ask me why I try to remain the mountain-pusher for other people, it's simply because I would want someone to do the same for me. I would want someone to give up their sleep just to talk to me for an extra two hours. I would want someone to at least TRY to make a way out of no way for me. And by someone, I mean someone outside of my family. We all just want to feel special to others and at this point--I don't. I think that the people around me value me. They see me as their mountain-pusher and that's it. "Des can you come over?", "I don't have money, no one can bring me over there. Sorry", "You can't ask your dad? Your great-grandma? Your cousin you haven't spoke to in years? You can't walk? You can't take the bus?". These conversations come all too often for my liking. Maybe it's because people know I will make something happen, they know they can count on me. That's the problem. I make myself too available to people that simply say, "I'm busy, I can't" when all I wanted was for them to answer the phone.

So guess what? This mountain-pusher is retiring from her job. I give up on people. Don't take this the wrong way, I will still be there to talk. Please, please, please do NOT expect me to go out of my way for you. I need to focus on me. I need to strengthen myself, push myself forward, move mountains for myself. It's my turn to be selfish.