Self-Doubt Keeps Me Up At Night
Am I doing enough? What could I be doing better? If I could get paid each time I ask myself these questions in a day, I would be rich right now. No debate. But what I've realized about myself and my self-doubt is that I use the people around me as crutches. Let me explain...
I was always the ugly friend, buttttttttttttt I was always cool and level-headed, so people couldn't resist me. It didn't hit me that I was the ugly friend until fourth grade. At my elementary school our fourth grade classes all went to recess at the same time. This was primetime, better than lunch honestly. Everybody had their first kiss, first fight, first relationship (if you count those); I had my first embarrassment. It wasn't too bad, it didn't crush my spirit, it just opened my eyes to what others saw me as. So, one day we all went out for recess and the teachers told us ahead of time that we were going to stay out longer that day since it was close to the end of the year. You know what that meant... time to go awfffffffff.
We all met around a tree. When I say we, I mean all the prettiest girls in the fourth grade and well..me (cause they all loved the kid). Somebody had their iPod and we all started dancing, laughing, chilling, enjoying our 10-year-old lives until Pop Lock & Drop It came on. When I tell y'all the boys stopped everything they were doing and ran to the middle of our circle.. chile. So I'm like...
B-b-boys...wyd wyd wyd wyd wyd (on the inside though). I couldn't let them see me sweat (literally, I sweat when I'm nervous) and I always wanted to impress the boys in my class, cause damn.. they just loved every other girl in our class. So we let the cutest boys into the middle of the circle and the girls all went to work. By that I mean we all hit the meanest Pop Lock & Drop It. 10 seconds into my fav part (NOW I GOT 32 FLAVORS OF DIS)..yea that-- one of the boys says, "Destiny what are you doing yo? Like why you trying?". A thousand things ran through my mind, first thing being "Damn, I'm low key glad he said something. I'm out of breath". Then that's when it hit me, I realized at a young age that boys weren't going to want me for my looks and I gave up on them until about 8th grade. I'll go into detail with my "Boy Journey--The Tales of the Ones that Missed Out" on a different occasion.
Moving forward, I pushed myself to do exactly what my parents raised me to do--excel in school. That worked for me up until now. Now I sit and question what do I really have to offer. When I started college in August I walked into a world of people that did exactly what I did--excelled. That's when the competition hits. That's when you have to figure out what sets you apart from everybody else. College is when you really have to find out what makes you, you. For me, it's helping people. I love making people smile, making people laugh, bringing someone out of a bad mood, just being what I want someone else to be for me. Get it? Good. Another thing that makes me who I am is writing. I can sit and write for hours about whatever comes to mind. It's my escape, my therapy. My mother tried to tell me to start a blog and for years I gave her "Yea ma, sure", "I'll do it over the summer ma", "I can't, I have to work", basically non-stop excuses. And then I used my friends. "Hey best friend girl, you wanna do this blog?" (Tried that twice..look where it got me). I never knew why I really didn't start my blog until now--I didn't believe in myself. Being the "ugly friend" has its consequences and it took a toll on my self-esteem. I always wondered who would even read my blog. Would people think I was boring? Would anybody even read it? I could recognize the talent in my friends, I could see that they could get somewhere with their talents but I couldn't see that for myself. I refuse to keep myself stagnant anymore. I want people to see my growth, my rawness, who I am. So here it is--my baby, my open diary, my advice, my life experiences, videos, fav songs, everything that is me. Sharing my life in hopes that someone else will be able to relate, to learn, to enjoy and to glo'..
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